Baseball is Back!

This past weekend, the first home games of the season were played at the newly renovated Polk Dement Stadium at Dudy Noble Field. That’s a lot of names for someone unfamiliar. It’s the name of the field and the stadium where Mississippi State University plays baseball. All those names pay tribute to people who helped make our baseball program what it is today. Just the same, most of us shorten the name to “the Dude”.

The Dude got a makeover. Cue the flirty pop song montage. Just kidding. But, truly, our baseball stadium, perennially voted one of the best in the country, got a whole world of upgrades in the offseason. Well, the past two offseasons. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You might ask why we improved a stadium that is storied throughout college baseball fandom. The answer is that in Mississippi we love baseball and we love barbecue. We have perfected one, so we must turn our attention to the other.

bb_newdude
via HailState.com

To get an idea of what the atmosphere is like at an MSU baseball game, we hold the single game, on-campus attendance record. We also hold the top four Super Regional attendance records. When I say we love baseball, I mean half the state will put on their colors, travel to the stadium, and come sweat, sunburn, or double-header will cheer on our beloved Bulldogs. My son thinks the picture I have of him holding a foul ball in his tiny little hands was taken at his first game. The truth is he attended several while he was still in the womb. A girl’s gotta go see her Dawgs.

Back in the 1960s, many stadium upgrades ago, it was common for people to drive trucks around behind the outfield and park. They’d sit on their tailgates and watch the game. Over time, people also started bringing grills and ice chests. They’d parade in until the lot filled up and the rest would be turned away. They’d cook, drink, and watch baseball. When the game was over, they’d pack it all up and go home. It was a tradition.

Sometime in the next decade, an “unfortunate” event occurred when one post-game tailgater couldn’t get his truck to start. Left with few options, he decided to leave the vehicle where it was overnight and deal with it the next day–after the game, of course. By default, this sort of reserved his spot for the next day’s game and people took notice. Others began leaving their vehicles in their spots. Some even towed in trucks that no longer functioned to leave them there all season. The Left Field Lounge was born.

Over the years, instead of fighting the crowds tooth and nail, the university established a set of rules to regulate the Lounge and keep everyone safe. Eventually, bringing in a lounge rig became part of a parade that marked the start of each season. By the time I attended the university in the mid-to-late 2000s, the university built a permanent boardwalk around the back of the outfield fence to better serve the Lounge crowd.

This year, the Lounge looks a bit different. In one area, the largest video board in college baseball looms over the seats just past the wall. And there are now loft apartments overlooking Left Field. The nostalgic side of me hates to see it all change, but the baseball fan in me is in awe. More than one former player for the Bulldogs has commented that when a player graduates from MSU and goes on to play professional ball, they need to be prepared for a downgrade in facilities.

dudy-rendering-771x421
Since I do not have access to a convenient overhead shot, here is a rendering of the New Dude given as part of the original press release.

Baseball and Bulldogs. Hail State.

 

Disney Cruise Tidbits

Everybody is writing about Valentine’s Day today, but since I did that already this week I decided to be different. And since I had no actual topic planned, but have talked to two people today about their plans for a Disney Cruise and I’m in the Disney mindset, that’s what today’s post will be about!

There are a lot of things you might not know about Disney Cruise Line. There are a lot of blogs, books, videos, etc all by people who have been on more cruises than me (I’ve only been on one, so that would be pretty easy) that can tell you anything you want to know. But I still thought I’d throw in a few pieces of trivia of my own.

Disclaimer: My experience with Disney Cruise Line (DCL) involves the Fantasy on a 7-Day Western Caribbean sailing. Different ships or itineraries may vary.

  • There is a nursing mother’s room in It’s a Small World Nursery. If you look up information about the onboard nursery for children 6 months-3 years old, you’ll probably find pictures of the playroom, the hours of operation, and even information about the sleeping room where your child can nap or sleep while you are doing your own thing. What surprised me while I was checking out the nursery during Open House (yep, I gave it a once over before my child was scheduled to be there) was that beyond the quiet/sleeping room is a nursing mother’s area. That’s not something that I found in the information available online about the nursery and I feel like it should be. If you are a nursing mother and want to be able to come into the nursery area, nurse your child, and go back out again, there is a space for you to comfortably do so. You even get an adult-sized chair (that’s a major score in the nursery where everything is designed to make your little one(s) feel large and in charge). Side Note: The first time you show up to the nursery, they give you a drawstring bag to use as a diaper bag and it’s yours to keep when the cruise ends.
  • There are religious services on the ship for those who would like to attend. During our sailing, while it was not advertised on the schedule of events, there was an interdenominational Christian service and a Jewish service. There might have been others of which I’m not aware. As I said, I did not notice the services in the schedule of events, but was made aware of the services via a Facebook page for people who would be sailing with me.
  • Entering/Leaving the Oceaneer’s Club (for kids ages 3-12) is the most fun you’ll ever have while washing your hands. That sounds ridiculous, I know. But seriously. The handwashing station has two slots for your hands. When you place your hands in, the motion sensor cuts on the jets which shoot water and soap at your hands from a multitude of angles. When the timer stops, an electronic readout informs you that your wash cycle is complete and you may exit the station. It’s fun, it’s water efficient, and it’s clean because nobody has to touch a faucet.
  • There is a place for you to do laundry. If you are worried you didn’t pack enough, or if your kids (or spouse!) spills something on their clothes at dinner, have no fear. There is a laundrette on every deck. There is a fee involved, but it’s not as much as a checked bag fee at the airport if you’re trying to pack in carry-on luggage!
  • There is a schedule of character appearances each day, but they’ll still surprise you. Each day, your schedule of events, or Navigator, will tell you where and when you can see which characters throughout the day. However, in addition to those appearances, you might just bump into someone not on the official schedule. For instance, when we took my younger son to play in Andy’s Room (from Toy Story) during family playtime, we were pleasantly surprised (read: I was giddy) to be joined by Belle. She stayed for over an hour and I have a multitude of pictures of my favorite princess building block towers with my toddler. There are also impromptu dance parties in the atrium where characters will show up to shake their tail feathers (or their tails!) with anybody who wants to join in.
  • If it rains, Disney has a back-up plan. One of our days at sea, a storm blew threw drenching the ship in rain and bring 8-12 foot swells. My sea legs weren’t up to the task, but the crew certainly was. Since the pools, water slides, sports deck, and other outdoor areas were getting drenched, the crew put on an extra show, added more movies to the theater line-up, hosted extra trivia game challenges, started another dance party, and added more characters to the day’s official line-up, among other things. Other than needing a bit of Dramamine that day, it was just as fun-filled as all the other bright, sunny days.
  • The ship is designed to keep you from getting lost. You just have to know what to look for. And for anybody who has a chance, I strongly recommend the Art of Decor tour of the ship. Our tour guide, Ricky, revealed several helpful tricks. For instance, all the seahorses face one way and all the fish face the other, always pointing to you to one end of the ship (I can’t remember which was which anymore). The five-pointed stars on the carpet in the middle of the ship near the elevators always point toward the front of the ship.
  • The ceilings are different heights in different areas. In the kids’ area, the ceilings are actually lower than other areas of the ship so they can feel bigger. In contrast, in the adults-only areas of the ship, the ceilings are higher than everywhere else to make adults feel like kids again.
  • The art comes to life. If you stop too long near one of the paintings, you might find that it starts to move. Not all paintings move, but twenty-two of them on the Fantasy do, and our kids loved seeing what they would do.
  • The interactive detective game changes person to person. There is a game you can play on the ship, Midship Detective Agency, in which you are given a badge with a giant QR code on it. You have to go around the ship to designated spots (certain moving art pieces) and hold up your badge. The badge sets off the video revealing clues to the mystery. Someone beat you to it? Not a problem. Your clue might be different. Your criminal might be different too. We solved two of the three available mysteries and often found we were given different clues than other participants. So you can’t use someone else’s clue to solve your mystery. It’s different for everyone!
  • Don’t be surprised if your wait staff performs a little magic for your kids. My youngest is only a year old. Well, he’s almost two. Almost. He has little patience to begin with and even less when it comes to waiting for food–not that we ever had to wait long! But time and again, the staff would start performing magic tricks for him and he would watch with wonder and laughter instead of shrieking his head off. When my five-year-old caught on to some of the magic tricks, they started bringing him brain teasers to work on while they continued to do tricks for his little brother. One night, we showed up at our table–and as usual, it already had the booster seat we needed–and before we could sit down, the drinks we always ordered were delivered to the table, along with a game we could play as a family. It wasn’t all illusions, but it was definitely all magic.
  • They take food allergies seriously. Only one person in our party had any food allergies, but they made sure she knew what was safe and what wasn’t. They would bring her the next day’s menu and let her know which items they could change to accommodate her needs. When she asked about one item, they informed her that while they could make it, they were concerned about cross-contamination because of how it was prepared and advised against it.
  • You must know the codeword to pick up your kids. When you show up at the nursery or the kids club to pick up your children, you first have to scan your Key to the World card. Your picture comes up on the screen and they match it to the pictures they have on file of who is approved to pick up the child. But that’s not all. Before you can leave with your child, you have to provide them with the codeword–which is a word of your choosing and can be different for each child in your party. I chose our codeword in November. We sailed in January. I’m the mother of the child I was picking up. I still had to know the word before they’d let him leave. Luckily, I had reviewed the information the day before we sailed!
  • If you are too tired to make it to the stage show, you can watch it from your stateroom. If you want to see the night’s show, but your kids are wiped out and you’re dragging a little too, no worries. You can watch the stage show from the comfort of your stateroom on your television. If you’re not interested in the stage show, but want to let the kids watch a little something while they wind down for the evening, there is also just about every Disney movie ever made available on demand. You can even watch movies in pieces, your television will remember where you left off in the movie. We let my kids watch twenty minutes here and there while we showered or got ready for bed. You can also pull up the ship’s information channel and see a map of exactly where your ship is at that moment and where other Disney ships are in relation to it.

As I said in my first post about our cruise, in true Disney fashion, it’s outrageously expensive and totally magical. The cast and crew go the extra mile to make sure you have the most fun possible. My kids are already talking about our next cruise. We keep telling them that we have to save up enough money to do it again so it might take a while, but they are undeterred. The “Mickey Boat” is the best vacation their little hearts could dream up.

I’m Not Your Search Engine

The online writing community is friendly, supportive, and helpful. As with any community, there can be exceptions to the rule, but I’ve found this to be true far more often than not. Other writers love to share experiences and knowledge, to commiserate, celebrate, and bond with others like them (or not like them!). However, being so willing to share what I know does not make me your secretary, your search engine, or your virtual assistant.

If you are genuinely having trouble finding information or understanding something you’ve read about, by all means, ask your questions to the online community. Someone will be able to help you. But if you are tweeting out a question simply because you don’t want to ask a search engine, that’s abusing the kindness of others. People notice.

An example I’ll give–though I will not supply screenshots or names because that is not the point of this post–involves the rules to a pitch contest. There is a website where anyone who wants to participate can find the rules to the contest, as is true with many such contests. I distinctly remember the first time I participated, there was some buzz about it on Twitter prior to the contest itself where many hopefuls were discussing it using the hashtag. Enter into the conversation a person who we’ll call Newbie.

Now, Newbie’s first question was when the actual pitch party would take place. Innocent enough. He could have meant what hours, which day, which time zone, etc. So many people obliged to answer his question and be as specific as possible. Newbie was very thankful and polite. He next asked what the rules were. He was given the web address for the site with any and all information he might need. It was his response that made us all step back. It went something like this, “That’s a lot of information to comb through, can you just give the highlights?”

No. For several reasons, but still no.

I started to list all the reasons that attitude was rude, but honestly, it started to irritate me just thinking about it. The biggest offenses are that it’s lazy and it implies that Newbie’s time is more valuable than the rest of us. We aren’t sitting around on our butts eating bonbons. We read through the complete rules page, so could Newbie. He was not unable. He just didn’t feel like it. It’s not a good sign in an industry known for deadlines and self-discipline.

This is just one example that sticks out in my memory, but there are so many more. Remember that while the writing community is a community, it is also a collection of people who are, in a sense, your colleagues. If you showed up to work and told your coworker that a task seemed too daunting and then asked them to do most of it for you, that wouldn’t go over well. At least not in any position I’ve held.

Be kind, be courteous, be engaged, but also be professional. I’m not saying you can’t wear pajamas, but when it comes to writing or promoting your writing, show initiative. If Google, Siri, or Alexa can answer your question, look there first. If you need clarification, the community is there and happy to help. We’re your coworkers, not your search engine.

I certainly don’t mean for this to discourage anyone from asking questions or having fun with the online writing community. That would be tragic. It’s a great place to connect. It’s a great place to get advice. It’s the virtual water cooler in an office filled with really cool people. Joke, laugh, connect. Just don’t abuse the kindness of those around you. It’s not a good look.

10 Things about Valentine’s Day

It’s the tenth of the month! Around here that means it’s time for me to spout off random trivia in hopes that you might find any of it interesting or helpful.

In fiction, especially in Fantasy and Science Fiction, worldbuilding is an important element in telling the story. We want the reader to become part of our world. I’ve touched before on athletic topics and how we can use sports to make our world seem more real. Another way is to assign holidays.

Most cultures around the world have at least a few major holidays and some minor ones as well. Religious holidays are generally the most well-known, but not all major holidays have something to do with religion. Think about the holidays you celebrate during the year. Think about how you celebrate, whether you get the day off or not, whether you celebrate with family or not, etc. The people in your fictional world might celebrate an armistice, a religious event, a monarch’s jubilee, etc. And a holiday that has been celebrated for a number of years might change over time.

This month, our case study is Valentine’s Day. Here are 10 Things about February 14th.

  1. Saint Valentine’s day is still part of the official Anglican and Lutheran calendars of commemorative saints days, but has been removed from the official Roman Catholic calendar as of 1969. Even so, it is still widely celebrated.
  2. There were no less than three saints named Valentine/Valentinus, all of whom were martyrs. The two best known were both originally buried on the Via Flaminia in Rome between 269 and 275 AD, though the remains of at least one of them have been relocated. Both are said to have died on February 14th.
  3. In the Eastern Orthodox Church, Saint Valentine is commemorated on July 6th.
  4. There are legends that say a priest named Valentine secretly performed marriages for soldiers under Roman Emperor Claudius II who forbade the practice reasoning that single men made better soldiers because they were less concerned about the wives they left at home. However, there is serious doubt that any such ban on marriage ever existed.
  5. There was a priest named Valentine who was imprisoned in Rome for ministering to Christians during a time when Christianity was cause for persecution. It is believed that this Valentine healed the daughter of his jailer, and the entire family of the jailer converted to Christianity as a result. The legend goes on to say, though this part is more disputed, that Valentine fell in love with the jailer’s daughter and on the night before his execution wrote her a letter signing it “Your Valentine.”
  6. There is still no record of Valentine’s Day or February 14th being associated with romantic love until 1400s England when it was mentioned by Chaucer and his contemporaries. There is also a poem the Duke of Orleans wrote to his wife during his imprisonment in the Tower of London after the Battle of Agincourt (1415 AD), which is considered the oldest “Valentine” on record.
  7. Formal “valentines”–handwritten notes or tokens of affection traded on Saint Valentine’s Day–became more popular in the 1500s, but were not commonly traded until the 1700s; and during the latter part of the 18th century commercially printed messages started to become available.
  8. In the 1840s, Esther Howland began making and selling pre-made Valentines greetings with scraps of lace and ribbon around colorful pictures. It earned her the moniker “Mother of the Valentine.”
  9. Though most of the marketing we see near Valentine’s Day seems to be aimed at men, women purchase as much as 85% of Valentine’s Day cards.
  10. In some countries, mass weddings are held on February 14th. It is also said to be the most common wedding anniversary date in the Philippines.

Today we celebrate Valentine’s Day with flowers, chocolates, or other tokens of affection. But Saint Valentine’s Day was originally a day set aside by the church to commemorate a man (or three) who lost his life because he was being evangelical. It was not associated with romance until several hundred years after his death. And was not widely celebrated as a romantic holiday until centuries after that.

love heart romantic romance
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The point is that holidays can evolve, no matter what they originally celebrated. Traditions develop over time and sometimes deviate between cultures, regions, etc. They can be an excellent way to showcase different cultures, even ones that are seemingly similar in your worldbuilding.

What are your characters celebrating?

Don’t Hire an Editor You Can’t Afford

Recently, there has been some bad advice floating around social media for writers. It has been called out time and time again by much better-known personalities than myself, but I still thought I’d touch on the topic here.

Writers new to the writing community can be especially vulnerable to bad advice. More seasoned writers might start to doubt their own perceptions and believe it too. It’s important that we look out for each other. Because above all, the writing community is a community. It is not a competition.

The particular piece of advice du jour is to be willing to take out a loan or find a patron in order to hire a quality editor. No. There are several reasons this is bad advice, but the first and foremost is that it implies that if you can’t afford an editor, then you’ll never be a quality writer. That’s absolute malarkey.

When someone tells you to “go for broke” in your writing, they aren’t talking about paying for editing services.

Some writers, especially those who have decided to pursue self-publishing instead of a traditional route, do hire professional editors. And professional editors who charge for their services are not the enemy. After all, they are providing a service and expect to get paid. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. It’s just not a requirement for a well-polished manuscript.

Don’t misunderstand, it’s still good to have other pairs of eyes look at your manuscript and give you feedback on ways to improve it. Not someone like a significant other, close friend, or family member–unless, of course, that person has experience and is likely to offer better constructive criticism than just “It’s great and I love you!” That’s what critique partners are for. I have already written a post about finding critique partners if you’re unsure how to connect with someone. Critique partners are invaluable and free at the same time. I strongly recommend having more than one, or more than one group even. Everyone will bring something different to the table and you’ll learn something new each time someone critiques your work or you critique theirs.

But I digress.

Do not take out a loan because you think you need an expensive professional editor. Don’t feel like you have to have a patreon account, a single wealthy patron, etc. No. There are some writers who do have those things, but they aren’t necessary for a writing career in general.

Also, don’t quit your day job to completely dedicate yourself to your art unless you can afford not to have a day job in the first place. The vast majority of authors don’t make enough off of their work to support themselves entirely. There are perennial best-sellers who can and do. They are not the rule. They are the exception, and even they will admit that. I’ve never seen a career author–not once–say that you should quit your day job to write full-time.  For most authors, writing is at best a side-hustle. A passion. Perhaps a lucrative (or not so lucrative) hobby. Because publishing one or two–or ten–novels is not a guarantee of fame and fortune. But editing the first one shouldn’t send you into immediate debt, either.

And when an agent wants to sign you, remember this: money should flow toward the author. If an agent wants to sign you, but also wants to charge you for editing services run screaming for the hills. That’s not an agent, it’s a predator and you’re the prey. Don’t do it.

Now, if you are completely against critique partners (why?) and want to self-publish then hire an editor. If you have excellent critique partners, but want to have a pro look over your manuscript too, hire an editor. I’m not saying you should never, under any circumstances, hire one. That’s madness. You do you. But do your homework first. Not all editors are created equal and not all of them charge comparably. Research is your friend.

And your research should tell you that anyone who suggests you take out a loan for their services is not the kind of editor you actually want to work with. Ever.

 

**I know and follow several freelance editors. They are not all predators to be avoided. This post is meant to be a warning against feeling like you have to pay for editing services you know you can’t afford, or that if you can’t afford them you can never be agent/publisher worthy. There are good, affordable editors out there for writers who want to hire one.**

 

Slow Down

My oldest son got sick on Saturday afternoon and spend the next thirty-six hours running a fever and barely eating. The poor kid hardly wanted to get off the couch. This is the same little boy who I sometimes have to force to sit down for “rest time” (he doesn’t nap anymore, but he still needs a few minutes to chill in the afternoons so he doesn’t tucker himself out before dinner). He goes through the five stages of grief every time I tell him he has to be still. Not this weekend. All he wanted to do was be still on the couch under blankets.

Cue my broken heart.

I gave him a fever-reducer. I put a cold cloth on his head. I steered his little brother to play elsewhere for both their sakes. I did what moms do when their kids are sick. I comforted him. One of the ways I did was to lie next to him and softly ruffle his hair back and forth. He only lets me do that when he feels poorly. Otherwise, he doesn’t like it. But when he’s sick, that’s what he wants. And I’ll tell you a secret. I love it.

I hate when my kid is sick. It hurts my heart because I know there is only so much I can do for him. I would take all his pain on myself if I could, but the world doesn’t work like that. But, there is also a little part of me that loves that he’ll let me play with his hair and snuggle up to him. I know that when he feels better, he’ll jump off the couch and take off like a shot for the backyard. I know he’ll duck his head when I reach for his hair. That’s okay. He’s growing up and I respect his wishes, but it makes me relish those moments when he not only needs me but actually wants me close.

The last five years have gone by in a blur. There have been hard moments for both of us. But there has also been so much joy, wonder, and love. Every day he gets a little bigger and I have a little less time before he won’t need me at all. That’s my job–to prepare him to be independent, to not need me. And I know he’s not exactly going to walk out the door for good tomorrow, but I also know how fast time is moving.

So when he wants my snuggles and hugs, when he’ll let me shower him with all my maternal affection, I cherish it. And if I end up running a fever too, it’ll be worth it. Because for just a little while, time slowed down and I got to rock my baby one more time before he stops wanting me to.

I hate when he’s sick, but I love slowing down with him. I would never wish illness on a child–anyone’s child, much less my own–so don’t misunderstand me. But I cling to that moment when all he wants is comfort and he turns to me because I’m his mama.

P.S. If you don’t think I’m crying by the time she gets to “lightsaber wars” in this song, you’re wrong. Gets me every stinking time.

A Lesson in Storytelling from Star Wars

I don’t know anybody who cheers on Darth Vader in A New Hope. He’s scary, he destroys planets, and–while he looks very cool–he cuts down our newly beloved mentor with a lightsaber. He’s the bad guy, the villain, the terror that flaps in the night–wait. That’s Darkwing Duck. Anyway, you get the picture. But here’s the catch, we don’t just love to hate him, we love him too.

Darth Vader isn’t a good guy, but by his untimely end two movies later, we’re sad to see him go. That’s the mark of a good villain. He was redeemable. And if you bring in the prequels, we can see his deterioration and understand why he made the choices he made to become the source of so much fear. It had a lot to do with the fact that he was super emo and brooding, but then his son started out the same way, so it makes sense. But I digress.

Nothing about Anakin/Darth Vader is out of left field when you know the story. It’s a natural progression. A slave boy who dreams of more is taken from his mother and trained in how to use the galaxy’s greatest power and then told he’s not allowed to love, fear, or hate anything. Naturally, this becomes a problem sometime after puberty. Then when he fears losing his lady love, his fear drives him to make questionable decisions. I know, it’s a very simplistic view of what happened, but when you break it down to the bare minimum, that’s his character arc. And it’s very relatable. We’ve all made questionable decisions out of fear, and I’m almost positive we’ve all made questionable decisions when it comes to whoever we’re attracted to. Just saying. It’s like a rite of passage. His decisions just had higher stakes than looking like an idiot in front of the whole class/school/whathaveyou.

So he’s relatable, and because he’s relatable he’s redeemable. And even while we hate him, we can’t help but be a little in awe of him. And if you don’t believe me, go to a Disney park and look at the line just to meet him.

As writers, our villains should be relatable on some small level. Leave some smidgen of a chance of redemption, even if you know they would rather die than take it. Give them dimension. Sure, you can make them terrifying. You can make them powerful. But make them whole in the process. Nobody is ever just power and fright. At some point, they got that power. At some point, they wanted to be frightening. You don’t have to give the entire backstory in an info dump, but leave traces of it. Leave hints and trust the readers to be smart enough to follow the breadcrumbs.

The lesson here is that in stories, and in my experience life itself, nobody is all good or all bad. Everybody struggles with internal demons of some kind. It’s how they face those demons that makes them protagonists or antagonists. While this post has solidly focused on making sure your villain is more than just one big ball of scary, the same rule applies to your protagonist. They have to be given the opportunity to make bad decisions. Because people do. And they can make the right decision or they can make bad ones and then redeem themselves.

Luke was a whiney brat who just wanted to go to Tochi and score some power converters. He chose to train with Ben Kenobi and Yoda to become a Jedi. He found out who his father was and was given the opportunity to go dark and rule the galaxy. He turned it down. And when he shows up at Jabba’s place dressed in all black, we all know that some questionable things happened since we last saw him, but we trust him to still be at least mostly on the light side.

I could do this for every major character in the story. And before you go pointing out, “But Palpatine!” I’m going to stop you. I watched the movies. I haven’t read the bajillion and one books and comics and read all the fan theories the internet has to offer. I don’t know his backstory, but I’m pretty sure if I did I would find reasons he became a Sith. Because nobody is all good or all bad.

Except for Leia. She’s perfection.

Just kidding.

Sort of.